Left.

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. Its 0230am. I think a new pattern has just begun. One day can sleep, one day cannot. Tried getting sleeping pills tapi uncle farmasi say mereka tidak mengeluarkan. Got myself drowsy flu pills instead. Might drink it with juice one of the nights.
Good thing is my appetite is back, I have instant mushroom soup and bread next to me.

The club next door is blasting with JLos- On the floor. People in the house is sleeping. Tried calling papa at 12 justnow, guess he's sleeping too.

"The situation" at the moment is calmer. Calmer than the ugly before.
Welcome to my depression phase.
Its been 2mths. With that 2mths I cried a lot, sakit kepala a lot, self pity a lot, tired a lot, cried a lot, tears a lot, sorrow a lot, cried a lot.

"Rena stress ka?"
"Kenapa muka dia macam tu?"
"What happened to her?"

And I cried somemore.
My typist messaged me one night during the early phase
"Are you ok? U are so different now. I even discuss about you with my fiance.
Everything can be solved. I hope you wake up soon and be the happy you"
More tears in a very very long dark months.

I remember looking at this new girl who is such a sunshine, who knew how to work, how to take care of herself, how to have a lot of fun. I started to compare myself with everyone in the office. And I cried.

I will never forget the day I took my first emergency leave. I woke up feeling so tired from my head to my back. Called my exec, told her I can't work and cried. Called papa after ignoring him for so long and cried. "I waited for this day to come...how long was the ignore?"

I remember my final tears in boss's room. I remember telling him I'm a few minutes before my decision and I went out from his room.

And my tears were gone after that.
Yang tinggal hanyalah harapan supaya things changed and I'm given the chance to be happy again.

What a lonely Ramadhan and Syawal.
I was so lonely inside, I was so zero. At that one time I consider pills just to end all this misery.

The comparing part was the most hurtful and painful stage. I'd be so sad inside looking at other people's joy and their free-ness to choose whatever they want in life. (understatement)

I'd look at people's facebook and think how so lucky they are and there I was crying my life out.

Dear Friends,
(You know who you are, I don't have so many)
I hope one day you'd understand what I'm going through, the difficulties of picking up, being redha, sabar, things that I have ignored for so long. I hope you understand its not easy for me to push myself (after so long) but I'm trying my best to not just waste myself in this misery. I'm trying to open my mind and walk to the light. There are days I feel I can pull through, there are days I feel so stuck and that I want to get away from all this . (I wonder what is it for me tomorrow?) I'm starting to pick up, reading a lot of helpful books.
Its been 2 hard months. I'd let you know about September.

See you at the bridge with that beautiful view once I'm fine.
Even if you are at a different bridge that time, do pay our bridge a visit.
The view can't compare.

I have faith I'll be okay, with the biggest INSYAALLAH in this world!
XOXO.